Why I'm Not a Christian

My mom was a Christian. She was a Bible-reading, churchgoing Christian. She taught Sunday School.  She instilled in me a love for the Scriptures, a love for G-d, a love for Jesus, and a love for church. By the way, she didn't send me to church; she took me to church. We went to services three times a week: Sunday morning, Sunday night, and Wednesday night. We attended yearly revivals and other special meetings. She made sure I went to Vacation Bible School. She talked to me about making a profession of faith and getting baptized, both of which I did at about eight years of age. A couple of years later, she talked to me about being a preacher. I agreed to it, and began giving short sermonettes at about age ten. 

My mom died when I was thirteen, and I went to live with one of my cousins and her family. In my middle teenage years I began to question what I had been taught. I looked into different belief systems, Christian and non-Christian alike. As an adult I found myself going from one religious group to another, separated by periods of total spiritual inactivity. I believed the truth was to be found in Christianity, but I never felt I had found the right church with which to affiliate.

At age forty-five I decided to pursue a serious reading of the entire Bible. Over the years I had read the Bible several times from cover to cover, but this time would be different. I wanted to take my time and really think about what I was reading. With calculator in hand, I figured out that if I read seven verses per day, I could read the whole Bible in fifteen years. I found a study method that would take me back and forth between the Old and New Testaments. On January 1, 2004 I began my reading with Genesis 1:1-7. 

I don't remember exactly when I started to feel that something wasn't quite right, but I would say it happened a couple of years into my reading program. I really enjoyed reading the Old Testament, but the New Testament - especially the letters of the Apostle Paul - left me feeling like something was missing. I began to look forward to my studies in the Old Testament, but almost dreading my studies in the New. The New Testament  sounded new alright, but not necessarily better. It was as if the two Testaments represented parallel spiritual universes. I was finding it hard to believe that these two groups of books belonged under the same cover. 

Let me give you an example of what I mean, by referring to the doctrine of forgiveness. In the Old Testament, G-d forgives solely on the basis of repentance. No one has to suffer, and no one has to die. In the New Testament, forgiveness is possible only for those who believe that Jesus suffered and died for their sins. Repentance alone, no matter how sincere, counts for nothing.

In the Old Testament, the path to forgiveness never changes. The Lord never says that a time will come when He will send His son to die for the sins of the world. Forgiveness is always based on sincere repentance, and nothing else.

Another example is the nature of the covenant that G-d made with the Jewish people. In the Old Testament, G-d Himself describes it as eternal, everlasting. Those adjectives indicate that the covenant has no expiration date and therefore will never end. The New Testament, especially the writings of Paul, explicitly state that Jesus inaugurated a totally new covenant which is both superior to, and supersedes, the covenant between G-d and Israel. Which Testament should I believe?

As it turned out, my calculations were off, and I ended up finishing my study in about thirteen years instead of fifteen. My math skills were never very good, even with a calculator. But finish I did, and as a result, I could no longer ignore the contradictions between the Old and New Testaments. Jews have the luxury of accepting the Old and rejecting the New, but Christians can't accept the New and reject the Old, since Christianity teaches that the Old Testament is also the inspired and infallible Word of G-d. Trying to accept both Testaments became an exercise in cognitive dissonance. To accept the New, I had to pretend that the Old said something other than what it actually said. Intellectually - and spiritually - I just couldn't do that anymore.

I could provide many more examples, but my purpose here is to blog, and not to bog down the reader. Nothing functions as a sleep aid quite like a long theological treatise. Perhaps I can mention other examples in a future blog. 

As counterintuitive as it may seem, I lost my faith in Christianity, not as a result of reading a book written by skeptics, or bitter former-believers, or atheists, or advocates of other religions, but by reading the Bible itself - both Old and New Testaments, and comparing them with each other.

In writing these things, I mean no disrespect to Christians, nor do I wish to have a negative effect on anyone's faith. I'm merely sharing my journey. What the future holds for me, spiritually-speaking, I don't know. But I trust that G-d is leading me, and I pray that He will continue to do so.